


I used to love him

by TerresDeBrume



Series: AUs without a cause [42]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Confessions, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 19:37:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5177201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerresDeBrume/pseuds/TerresDeBrume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some conversations are never easy to have, but they don't have to be terrible either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I used to love him

“I used to–close your eyes dammit!”  
“Apologies,” Thor offers with a child-like smile, “I like looking at your face–you look beautiful when you’re being earnest.”

 

Steve’s lips pull into a smile despite himself as he scoots closer to Thor’s chest, relishes the feel of muscles under his hand, the solidity that almost makes Steve feel tiny again. It’s a good sensation but sometimes it can be… disturbing.

Thor closes his eyes at last and wraps a hand around Steve’s, large fingers somehow covering Steve’s palm with ease–Steve suspects some form of godly power at play.

 

“I used to be in love with Bucky,” Steve admits after a long stretch of silence, weight sliding off his chest and into his throat as he says it. “Loved Peggy, but I loved Bucky too, and I never got to–”

 

Steve closes his mouth before the sob slips out, breathes in as deep as he dares, and focuses on the feeling of Thor’s forehead against his, the way their noses brush, the tickling of Thor’s beard against his mouth. Ten years ago–well, technically longer, but Steve doesn’t think the Ice counts that way–Steve would have never dared to imagine himself saying that aloud.

Bucky was always so proper so… integrated. There was no way he’d ever have dared to tell him the truth but then… then he’d joined the army and _okay_ , no one really talked about it but most people knew who slept in whose bunk. Most people knew some of the men didn’t just _sleep_ in another fella’s bunk.

And then, just as Steve started thinking that _maybe_ … Bucky died.

 

“You could tell him now,” Thor whispers against Steve’s lips–his eyes shine in the moonlight when Steve looks at them.

“I’m happy with you,” Steve protests, and Thor smiles.

“I’m glad to hear it,” he says, “And I’m certainly not asking you to leave me and go to Bucky instead. I’m merely saying, maybe you could tell him how you used to feel.”

“I don’t want to lose him.”

 

Steve’s stomach feels heavy as he says the words, heart thundering under Thor’s hand, and he has to grip at Thor’s neck to stop the feeling of vertigo catching at him.

Thor, of course, doesn’t answer–just looks at him with those strange blue-grey eyes that change as quick as the sky, and a gaze that’s so much more tired now than it was when they first met. So much older than before Loki died and then came back, and then died again.

The truth, Steve knows, is that he’s already lost Bucky.

Twice.

 

“Both of you are trying to go back to the way things were,” Thor says at last, when Steve gives in and hides his face in his neck. “Maybe it’s time you left the past behind and started working with what you have now.”

“It’s hard,” Steve admits.

 

He keeps his eyes screwed shut as he says it, body tensing the way it did back when Bucky came for sleepover and Steve had to admit he was in pain, or tired, or scared–Bucky’s seen him weak in ways Thor will never know, and Steve hated every single second of it… but there was something precious in it, too.

Bucky, after all, never sneered at him for it–not back then, at least.

What’s he going to say if Steve confesses? What if the Winter Soldier thinks Steve is ridiculous, or disgusting, for the way he feels?

What if _Bucky_ does?

 

Thor’s arms tighten around Steve’s chest before he even realizes he’s crying, and he doesn’t fight it–just leans into Thor’s chest again, feeling ridiculous and strange but also oddly safe and relieved. The mix is not exactly familiar, but it does have the merit of making him feel lighter, which Steve counts as a win.

 

“I know it’s hard,” Thor says with a sad tone, “I truly do. But Steve–if you don’t do it, the regret will be worse.”

“I know.”

“Also I think Vision figured out how you felt, and you know whose sense of humor he inherited.”

“Please don’t make me imagine that.”

 

Steve likes Vision, he really does, but if he has to hear Jarvis’ voice spouting dubious double-entendre one more time, he’s going to punch something. Possibly Tony.

Most likely Tony.

 

“It’s stuck in your head isn’t it?”

“I hate you,” Steve groans, but Thor just snorts and kisses him.


End file.
